Ruth Los | trouwfotograaf | wedding photographer » Blog

What I’m afraid of

I am afraid of being alone.

I am afraid of losing loved ones.

I am afraid of getting lost and forgetting what my heart is made of.

I am afraid to smile with my whole mouth, because my teeth are crooked.

I am afraid to have another child, thinking I might miscarry again.

I am afraid I will grow old ugly in my soul, and bitter.

I am afraid to be myself, to let myself be seen.

I don’t know how to explain these fears, because they don’t seem obvious at all. But they are there, in that fluttering in my stomach, that restlessness that sometimes chokes me. They come as waves threatening to crush me under their weight.

I’ve always loved the sea but been afraid of water. (I’m 29 and still don’t know how to swim, go figure.. 🙄) Life takes you by assault sometimes, either as blows in your business, or marriage, or parenthood, or social life, either in the shape of fears or in the monstrous face of failure and insecurity. What do you do then? Do you surf over them and keep yourself leveled, or do you collapse right under them and drown in its immensity? I wanna tell you today, collapsing under each wave won’t bring you an inch closer to your target. Is your target overcoming fear? Then equip yourself with the right surfboard, get up on those waves and face whatever needs facing. Is your goal being set free of the feeling you’re too less of a person? Then stare those threatening waves -that make you feel not enough- right in the eye and tell them “you’re done now! You’ll be crushed under my feet! Because I am enough!” and show them waves what you’re made of! Cause you’re BEAUTIFUL. PRECIOUS.ONE OF A KIND.

Fears or insecurities shouldn’t hold us down, we are made to thrive, not just survive! If I am afraid to lose loved ones, I gotta drown that fear in love and love my dear ones all the more, enjoy every second I have with them. If I am afraid of forgetting what my heart is made of, I have to keep fighting to keep it alive and do the things it makes me glow on the inside. If I hate smiling with my whole mouth, I have to crush that feeling and just give you the biggest grin there is, crooked teeth and all. 

If I am afraid that my soul will grow crooked and ugly, then I need to keep loving life, to keep loving people, to stop judging the appearance and start sensing the depth.

I am afraid to be myself; well this is about to change, since I am giving my website a new face: my face. I am bringing more and more of me here, in hopes that you will see that I am human, we are all human, despite an Instagram account that shows only neat and pretty pictures: we are flawed,  messy, completely human humans. And that’s a good thing!

If I fear having another miscarriage, or a child with problems, I must remind myself that love covers all fear and that my love for my little one will cover any lack. And, if that will bring an even bigger wave, then I will remind myself that the world already has too many people in it, and that there are so many children without a home, a family, and my love could give them just that.

Every wave can be tackled and surfed on. There is nothing impossible for us to bear, we’ve been given the means to face it and thrive. So go crush some waves today, friends! I have faith in you!

Love, Ruth

  • April 3, 2017 - 4:00 pm

    Melinda - Wonderful and so up lifting!
    Your honesty can really do some healing in other people’s hearts!ReplyCancel

    • April 3, 2017 - 7:47 pm - Oh my goodness, you have no idea how much this means to me! Thanks so much, and pop by any time for more doses of honesty hehe:)ReplyCancel

  • April 4, 2017 - 9:49 am

    Ellen - I read this book, “unashamed” (vrij van schaamte) by Christine Caine, I wish all women could read this presious book…it’s so uplifting. Please read it, it’s God love for every women and girl. Rejoice, always. Look up, always. You are full of power and love thru Him.ReplyCancel

    • April 4, 2017 - 10:15 pm - Thank you!!! I will definitely check it out!ReplyCancel

a   G I F T   f o r   y o u